Yesterday I came back home from abroad. It was a trip so rich of emotions, of things I have to let go into the past, that I need to tell someone about them.
The situations I will tell you about were not in Bulgaria, so the words about them come to me in english, the language in which they mostly occurred, the one in which I was thinking ta that time. But what is language in its essence? Its a way to name and tag things that happen in our reality.
Last year I returned from Istanbul, where I spent a not so nice New Year and met a guy with a nice smile. We had a lighthearted relationship which ended after 2 months when I went to torino for my erasmus. It was nice, it was funny, and involving, but it wasn’t love. It was a comfortable glove for the soul, to keep it warm in the cold winter months. I saw him again twice when I returned and from my more mature point of view I understood that although I have said the words I have not loved that person. I leave this in the past.
Then came Torino. It was enriching, a bit tragic, a bit dramatic. I went there with the expectations of a life on the waves of party but I stumbled upon a brick wall of indifference. I remember nostalgically the long lonely evenings with Frank Sinatra’s the Girl of Ipanema. Sometimes I smoke nargileh. Sometimes I made coffee, sometimes tea. I always wrote about my emotions, the things that happened to me, about my life and reflections. It is a cozy memory to return to. I learned to live with myself in my loneliness. I leave this in the past.
Then because of my loneliness I started giving too much significance to the rare communication with people I had. I had a 1 week experience with an Italian, who gave me only bad feelings in the end. I think he wasn’t able to notice how wrong he was, neither was I able to notice how insignificant it was. I leave him in the past.
Then came a along He. A perfect personification of my dream man. He was all that I thought I needed. We had a wonderful summer and when I told him I loved him I really ment it. Funny enough, maybe it was the first time I told it without having the feeling of guilt that is always following after one says I love you and the other doesn’t know how to reply and the initial love euphoria was gone. It was mature and it was a hope that I am complete.
What to say more of it? It was beautiful and it was perfect. This is the part that most pains to leave in the past. The caffee evenings on the seaside, his smile, the security I felt. But it should go where it belongs – in the past.
Then with him came the long-distance relationship, which didn’t bring us knowledge of the other. I felt how I loosed him after every meeting and it was painful as is the first love. I gave to him a lot, he gave me a lot. We went together through good and bad things and this was my first dynamic relationship. Now we are different than we were in the beginning.I leave to the past the ups and downs.
When I came from my erasmus I started to look for something to do in my free time and yoga was one answer. It gave me a feeling of happiness, it still does. I had a beautiful autumn in Sofia.
Then comes the NewYear’s eve, in the city I fell in love with this summer – Berlin. With my darling we fought a lot in these days, it spoiled a bit the magical feeling, but then in the last evening I went for a lonely walk Unter den Linded and it came back.
Now my relationship is in a pause about which I don’t know whether it is permanent or for a bit of time. I don’t know what the future brings. But since yesterday and today I feel like returning to the old days in Torino, where only Frank was sharing the air I breathe. Now I am at home, and it is Jazz FM.
The last year has been very rich in experience. I took the decision about my future, what I want to become, what I will pursue in my professional career. I loved someone. I saw the world and understood that travelling around it is not the way to find oneself. The traveling should be done inside the head. This is what I will do in the near future.
So I leave the past in the past and I swear not to think about it and not make it a subject of my present life.
In the new year I will get my ass into a PhD school in Europe! I will find the happiness I need.
Happy New Year to everyone:-)
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